This post may not be entertaining but for me, it’s important. It’s important because the experiences, beliefs and feelings I’m having now are so radically different from those I used to have.
It’s like a whole new world…and yet it’s the same world.
Years and years of questioning and letting go of old beliefs has given me space to experience and explore my world anew and to make my own observations. I just wanted to write some big ones down…For me they are huge! Probably not as huge for many others…but maybe someone.
I am learning that I do not have to be in a structured relationship to love and be loved, or to be safe, protected, and survive in the world. I am always loving in every moment and I’m quite sure that I’m loved by many people all the time…
And I’m in relationship all the time with everyone I meet.
Being single, I’ve also learned and am still learning that I really can take care of myself–well, sort of. (It’s a skill I’m still refining sometimes it gets quite messy at times…but the job does get done eventually.). I love being fully engaged in doing everything I can pull it all together.
And when I need support (and I most certainly do!), I reach out, I ask questions and there are people I can turn too–not one person–but many people. It used to be such a stressful, terrifying thing to admit and to reach out for help…and to be honest, it’s still not so easy…but that is fading and I feel a bit more relaxed. It’s ok to acknowledge my current limitations and ask for what I need.
The people who show up to help me with something I need are pretty awesome–always so gracious and happy about it. I see how it brings joy into both our lives to have this opportunity to give and recieve help.
I don’t feel anymore like a burden on anyone. (I can’t believe this was a feeling I’ve struggled with since early childhood.) Instead of feeling pathetic, useless or somehow guilty…now I feel grateful, secure and light! I think it’s because anyone who chooses to help me is doing so because they want to…and that really is the best help of all!
And giving help is also lighter and more enjoyable…yes–even when things get difficult because I can relax, be fully present and engaged, doing what I can, knowing that if we need reinforcements, we can reach out and someone will be there. We are not alone. And we always feel great after.
Something inside me says, “Yes! This is the way it was supposed to be…this is the way it works!” And now, I get to live it…and share it!
And yet, at the same time, I still sometimes find myself feeling quite alone, longing for a friend who is not there, or aching for something more that still seems just out of reach…
I suppose it’s inevitable that so much fullness and joy would shine a bit of light into the depths of the empty spaces aching to be known.
There is a vast open space still waiting, aching for at least one who has the faith, patience and determination to grope endlessly and tenderly through the thick underbrush, and the wisdom and courage to open his eyes even in the darkness where things can only sensed with the heart and love whatever is there.
It occurs to me, that I also ache for the depths of these spaces…and while it would be lovely to share them with a companion…I need not wait. I am here. Here I am alone…but not lonely.
We truly must love ourself before we can truly love another. It’s becoming clearer and clearer how true this is. I am so grateful for the depths of friendships that I have now and the love I have for them keeps growing.
And the deeper we learn to love ourself, the deeper we can love another. I am grateful for these opportunities to learn to love myself in deeper and deeper ways.
Body Soul and Tango 